So I have to share what has happened to me in the last three weeks. I seriously do believe that I would be considered very inconsiderate and selfish if I did not and I seriously do not want to feel like that, again. Okay so it has been quite the month at the Hollingsworth House. I have seriously learned some very important truths that I will not soon forget for I want to feel the way I feel today forever. The Four Most Important things I Learned This Month came about out of a pit of despair in a lot of ways. For about two weeks I just felt like I was not what I needed to be. I was not where I wanted to be. I felt mean. I felt hurt. I felt like I was not meeting the expectations that people had on me. I felt tightly strung. I felt incompatant and unfulfilled. It was truly heartbreaking to my soul. Why would I feel this way. Let me tell you. Most people know that December is an extremely busy month for our family. On the Tenth of the month we celebrate Steven's Birthday. On the 17th of the month we celebrate Tim's birthday and on the 19th of the month we celebrate our anniversary, then of course we have Christmas so things can kind of run into each other and get crazy. That is kind of how it started. I have been stressing that Steven's Birthay was not going to have the oomph I believe a twelfth birthday should have. I feel like a twelfth birthday is a crossover in many ways into the priesthood and also adulthood. The ward Christmas party was going to fall on the same day. Steven needed an interview so he could be ordained the following Sunday. We have only one working car and all sorts of meetings going on. How was it all going to work? I see mommas in all their glory making wonderful fabulous birthday cake. Would my son even have a cake? What kind of celebration did we have for a twelve year old? All of these things were concerning to me. I needent have worried. For my children really are wonderful. The day was wonderful. The best Christmas party I have ever been to happened this year and the spirit was just so amazing, brought such merriment to my life. Then two sweet little boys came home to our house where Steven and Tim and the two Atwood boys made their own cake. They loved it. They loved the sledding and staying up late. It was just amazing. Well Sunday came and Steven was ordained to a deacon and given the Aaronic Priesthood, and no I did not even cry although I was just so very proud.
Tim's birthday came next. I think sometimes Tim feels like he kind of loiters in Steven's shadow, I remember I felt that way with my brothers and sisters at times. I think it is harder when He and Steven are only a year and a week apart. I as the momma was worried that Tim would feel that he was not as important as he truly is to our family. That is not what I wanted. I also felt like because Steven had had some little friends over that no one would want to come back over to our house in the country a week later. I was also worried that Clint would not be home in time to even have ice cream and cake. His unit truly is awful. They are mean and nasty and most of the time I just do not see him until very late in the evening. Other worries of the day were again the car issue. With only the truck working things had to be planned precisely so I could get the things needed to make a cake and I also needed to plan a present and I needed to wrap that gift. Would the boys and girls that were invited be able to come. It was so nasty outside, and it was supposed to storm. I also had meetings all that day. I was stressed. Two sweet little Mcphie children came to our home that night. My cake however ugly was a hit, and the kids enjoyed Tim's unwrapped gift just as much as if it were elaborately wrapped. I neededn't have been so worried about how Tim would feel I should have had faith in who he was. When I asked Tim how is birthday was later he said it was the best day of his life.
The other major stresses that came about this month were of course Clint's job. He just works for men that are not very happy so they do not want him to be happy either. They intentially make it so he cannot be where his kids are. They do not want to go home so they think that he should be there with them all the time. He is truly overworked and deminished in his value in ways that are inconsciable. He is so upset all the time, and it hurts my heart. I have also been struggling with feelings of being used and abused. Sometimes I feel like I only get called or thought of when someone needs me to help them. I also wanted to teach some people how life really was in the Army. I felt like if people had a little heartache they would know that we all have to work and that life is not a box of wonderfully sweet chocolates all the time. I was seriously having a major struggle. Through all of this I was very prayerful. At least I was doing that right. I needed the spirit. I was embarressed that I felt the way that I did. I was hurt that people could be so awful to my husband and I could not fix it. I wanted to be everything for my children. I wanted to be amazing to everyone around me, when I really should not have cared. I was forgetting to breath. I was forgetting to listen to the calmness. I was all worked up. Still I kept praying. I knew enough to know this was not right and I needed to fix this.
I think Our Heavenly Father knows us. He knows our hearts and feels every struggle. He knew that I needed a miracle. I needed to know that things were going to be okay. I needed to know that heunderstood my heartache. I am sure I knew I just was really struggling with myself. So here comes the miracles. About a week and a half ago I received my children's gifts for Christmas from their Grandma, she had also sent me a book. The book was called A Lamb And A Lion by Rand H Packer. It is the story of Willard and Rebecca Bean and their 24 year mission in Palmyra, NY at the Joseph Smith Farm. I am not going to tell you the whole story, but I am going to tell you a little background so you now why this served as a miracle in my life. During the time that the Beans were in Palmyra they were told to open up that area again so that the mormons could live there freely and happily. This was not an easy task. They were hated, even that long after Joseph Smith (1915). They were very wonderful people and really and truly lived as Saints of the lord. They were kind and truly did turn the other cheek to those who were mean and awful to them. Their house served as a stopover for missionairies coming through that way. They always had missionairies in their home. Rebecca said she never had a night where there was free floor room or room upstairs due to the overnight guests they would have Rebecca also would feed each and every one ov them each and every night. One night as Rebecca fed some more missionairies at a moments notice one asked her how she did it. Her reply was my miracle. She said,"One night I was having a really hard time. I had fed the missionairies in my home cleaned up my house, had a children over my arm and was just feeling bad and underappreciated. She was having a moment like I call it. She was tearful. When it was time for bed she knelt and said her prayers crawled into bed and cried herself to sleep that night. During the night she had a dream. The dream was her taking care of a young missionary. She fed him. She made his bed. She was gracious to him. As he was getting ready to leave he turned to her. Instead of the young missionary who had been there this young missionary had the face of the Savior. He remarked to her that the children were sure growing wonderfully. Then he smiled at her and told her things would be okay and that she could do what was asked of her. For these missionaries represented him, our savior on this earth. She woke the next morning knowing this was also her miracle. She never complained again.
Well that helped so much. The issues of Clints work were not my issues. I couldn't fix it, but Heavenly Father could fix the way I reacted to it. I also could face the people who were truly making my life hard. I still was having feelings of my inadequacy as a mother though. Miracle number two came the next day. Tim came home with a poem. He wrote it specifically for me. It is two entries up from this one. It was called When You Thought That I wasn't Looking. With his little arm around me he gave me this poem. As I read it He said," Mom I love you Merry Christmas." I read this poem and cried. I so need this. I needed this from a little one. I needed to know that is did not matter that I was not the perfect cake decorator, it did not matter that I was not the perfect party planner, or the perfect housekeeper. It did not matter that the laundry never got fully done last week or that somethings still are not done. Tim had just taught me, that the only thing that mattered right there and then was that I was his mother. That was enough. That was what the Lord wanted from me right then. My heart was softened 100 fold. I had to stop to catch my breath. As my sweet little boy skipped off singing Christmas carols in his sweet, little-boy way, I prayed for forgiveness for my stubborness. I prayed that I would always know the love of these spirits that were put in my charge. Heavenly Father had used Tim and the lovely words in his poem to bring me the peace I needed. I know it is a Christmas Gift but this will stay on my wall permanently, as a reminder to me that someone is noticing,so when I start to feel these inadequacies , I can be reminded that I am okay. I am wonderful at least in my children's eyes.
So what are the Four Most Important Things I Learned This Month- 1. A smile only works when accompanied by a prayer... 2. I am only Responsible to my Heavenly Father, My Husband, and Steven and Timothy. No one else really matters in the grand scheme of things... 3. There are some Battles and wars I need not fight. Heavenly Father will take care of the things I fall short in and help with those I can't.. 4. When the struggles come and I just cannot see the light at the end of it all pray and hang in there, the light will come, it is not forever, but my Family Is.
My heart is so full! I did not sleep last night for the excitement and wonder of what has happened to me. I am so thankful to know with such surety that I am loved beyond comprehension. I do not have to give my home up every night for the next 24 years and I have the most wonderful dear family I could ever imagine. I have truly wonderful children who teach me each and everyday. I have a husband who adores me. He calms me when am troubled and is so patient as I change and grow to who I am supposed to be. I was told the other day that I looked refreshed, almost like I was getting a do over. That is what it feels like too. I am getting a do over, I am getting a very drastic change of heart. What an amazing Christmas Gift. Christ was born and suffered already for me so that I could be happy so that I could be who I am. The windows of a little bit of Heaven were opened up to me. I Am Truly Blessed!!!
