Monday, December 27, 2010

The Four Most Important Things I Learned This Month

So I have to share what has happened to me in the last three weeks. I seriously do believe that I would be considered very inconsiderate and selfish if I did not and I seriously do not want to feel like that, again. Okay so it has been quite the month at the Hollingsworth House. I have seriously learned some very important truths that I will not soon forget for I want to feel the way I feel today forever. The Four Most Important things I Learned This Month came about out of a pit of despair in a lot of ways. For about two weeks I just felt like I was not what I needed to be. I was not where I wanted to be. I felt mean. I felt hurt. I felt like I was not meeting the expectations that people had on me. I felt tightly strung. I felt incompatant and unfulfilled. It was truly heartbreaking to my soul. Why would I feel this way. Let me tell you. Most people know that December is an extremely busy month for our family. On the Tenth of the month we celebrate Steven's Birthday. On the 17th of the month we celebrate Tim's birthday and on the 19th of the month we celebrate our anniversary, then of course we have Christmas so things can kind of run into each other and get crazy. That is kind of how it started. I have been stressing that Steven's Birthay was not going to have the oomph I believe a twelfth birthday should have. I feel like a twelfth birthday is a crossover in many ways into the priesthood and also adulthood. The ward Christmas party was going to fall on the same day. Steven needed an interview so he could be ordained the following Sunday. We have only one working car and all sorts of meetings going on. How was it all going to work? I see mommas in all their glory making wonderful fabulous birthday cake. Would my son even have a cake? What kind of celebration did we have for a twelve year old? All of these things were concerning to me. I needent have worried. For my children really are wonderful. The day was wonderful. The best Christmas party I have ever been to happened this year and the spirit was just so amazing, brought such merriment to my life. Then two sweet little boys came home to our house where Steven and Tim and the two Atwood boys made their own cake. They loved it. They loved the sledding and staying up late. It was just amazing. Well Sunday came and Steven was ordained to a deacon and given the Aaronic Priesthood, and no I did not even cry although I was just so very proud.
Tim's birthday came next. I think sometimes Tim feels like he kind of loiters in Steven's shadow, I remember I felt that way with my brothers and sisters at times. I think it is harder when He and Steven are only a year and a week apart. I as the momma was worried that Tim would feel that he was not as important as he truly is to our family. That is not what I wanted. I also felt like because Steven had had some little friends over that no one would want to come back over to our house in the country a week later. I was also worried that Clint would not be home in time to even have ice cream and cake. His unit truly is awful. They are mean and nasty and most of the time I just do not see him until very late in the evening. Other worries of the day were again the car issue. With only the truck working things had to be planned precisely so I could get the things needed to make a cake and I also needed to plan a present and I needed to wrap that gift. Would the boys and girls that were invited be able to come. It was so nasty outside, and it was supposed to storm. I also had meetings all that day. I was stressed. Two sweet little Mcphie children came to our home that night. My cake however ugly was a hit, and the kids enjoyed Tim's unwrapped gift just as much as if it were elaborately wrapped. I neededn't have been so worried about how Tim would feel I should have had faith in who he was. When I asked Tim how is birthday was later he said it was the best day of his life.
The other major stresses that came about this month were of course Clint's job. He just works for men that are not very happy so they do not want him to be happy either. They intentially make it so he cannot be where his kids are. They do not want to go home so they think that he should be there with them all the time. He is truly overworked and deminished in his value in ways that are inconsciable. He is so upset all the time, and it hurts my heart. I have also been struggling with feelings of being used and abused. Sometimes I feel like I only get called or thought of when someone needs me to help them. I also wanted to teach some people how life really was in the Army. I felt like if people had a little heartache they would know that we all have to work and that life is not a box of wonderfully sweet chocolates all the time. I was seriously having a major struggle. Through all of this I was very prayerful. At least I was doing that right. I needed the spirit. I was embarressed that I felt the way that I did. I was hurt that people could be so awful to my husband and I could not fix it. I wanted to be everything for my children. I wanted to be amazing to everyone around me, when I really should not have cared. I was forgetting to breath. I was forgetting to listen to the calmness. I was all worked up. Still I kept praying. I knew enough to know this was not right and I needed to fix this.
I think Our Heavenly Father knows us. He knows our hearts and feels every struggle. He knew that I needed a miracle. I needed to know that things were going to be okay. I needed to know that heunderstood my heartache. I am sure I knew I just was really struggling with myself. So here comes the miracles. About a week and a half ago I received my children's gifts for Christmas from their Grandma, she had also sent me a book. The book was called A Lamb And A Lion by Rand H Packer. It is the story of Willard and Rebecca Bean and their 24 year mission in Palmyra, NY at the Joseph Smith Farm. I am not going to tell you the whole story, but I am going to tell you a little background so you now why this served as a miracle in my life. During the time that the Beans were in Palmyra they were told to open up that area again so that the mormons could live there freely and happily. This was not an easy task. They were hated, even that long after Joseph Smith (1915). They were very wonderful people and really and truly lived as Saints of the lord. They were kind and truly did turn the other cheek to those who were mean and awful to them. Their house served as a stopover for missionairies coming through that way. They always had missionairies in their home. Rebecca said she never had a night where there was free floor room or room upstairs due to the overnight guests they would have Rebecca also would feed each and every one ov them each and every night. One night as Rebecca fed some more missionairies at a moments notice one asked her how she did it. Her reply was my miracle. She said,"One night I was having a really hard time. I had fed the missionairies in my home cleaned up my house, had a children over my arm and was just feeling bad and underappreciated. She was having a moment like I call it. She was tearful. When it was time for bed she knelt and said her prayers crawled into bed and cried herself to sleep that night. During the night she had a dream. The dream was her taking care of a young missionary. She fed him. She made his bed. She was gracious to him. As he was getting ready to leave he turned to her. Instead of the young missionary who had been there this young missionary had the face of the Savior. He remarked to her that the children were sure growing wonderfully. Then he smiled at her and told her things would be okay and that she could do what was asked of her. For these missionaries represented him, our savior on this earth. She woke the next morning knowing this was also her miracle. She never complained again.
Well that helped so much. The issues of Clints work were not my issues. I couldn't fix it, but Heavenly Father could fix the way I reacted to it. I also could face the people who were truly making my life hard. I still was having feelings of my inadequacy as a mother though. Miracle number two came the next day. Tim came home with a poem. He wrote it specifically for me. It is two entries up from this one. It was called When You Thought That I wasn't Looking. With his little arm around me he gave me this poem. As I read it He said," Mom I love you Merry Christmas." I read this poem and cried. I so need this. I needed this from a little one. I needed to know that is did not matter that I was not the perfect cake decorator, it did not matter that I was not the perfect party planner, or the perfect housekeeper. It did not matter that the laundry never got fully done last week or that somethings still are not done. Tim had just taught me, that the only thing that mattered right there and then was that I was his mother. That was enough. That was what the Lord wanted from me right then. My heart was softened 100 fold. I had to stop to catch my breath. As my sweet little boy skipped off singing Christmas carols in his sweet, little-boy way, I prayed for forgiveness for my stubborness. I prayed that I would always know the love of these spirits that were put in my charge. Heavenly Father had used Tim and the lovely words in his poem to bring me the peace I needed. I know it is a Christmas Gift but this will stay on my wall permanently, as a reminder to me that someone is noticing,so when I start to feel these inadequacies , I can be reminded that I am okay. I am wonderful at least in my children's eyes.
So what are the Four Most Important Things I Learned This Month- 1. A smile only works when accompanied by a prayer... 2. I am only Responsible to my Heavenly Father, My Husband, and Steven and Timothy. No one else really matters in the grand scheme of things... 3. There are some Battles and wars I need not fight. Heavenly Father will take care of the things I fall short in and help with those I can't.. 4. When the struggles come and I just cannot see the light at the end of it all pray and hang in there, the light will come, it is not forever, but my Family Is.
My heart is so full! I did not sleep last night for the excitement and wonder of what has happened to me. I am so thankful to know with such surety that I am loved beyond comprehension. I do not have to give my home up every night for the next 24 years and I have the most wonderful dear family I could ever imagine. I have truly wonderful children who teach me each and everyday. I have a husband who adores me. He calms me when am troubled and is so patient as I change and grow to who I am supposed to be. I was told the other day that I looked refreshed, almost like I was getting a do over. That is what it feels like too. I am getting a do over, I am getting a very drastic change of heart. What an amazing Christmas Gift. Christ was born and suffered already for me so that I could be happy so that I could be who I am. The windows of a little bit of Heaven were opened up to me. I Am Truly Blessed!!!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

November and December Fun

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December is always a very full month of fun. This year was no exception. It starts with the celbration of Thanksgiving really. We decorate the tree, shortly after our Thanksgiving visitors leave. I love our tree. Each and every decoration was given to us as a gift, made by someone at my bridal shower before Clint and I got married, or made by a sweet person that we love. It just cannot help to bring feelings of love as it is strung with lights and then draped in beads and all sorts of great decorations and ribbons. This is a family activity and usually we are singing Christmas carols.

December 10th is Steven's Birthay. This year was a big one. He turned twelve years old. He was given the Aaronic priesthood on the 12th of December and is now a Deacon. I am such a proud mother. As i watched his ordanation I felt such love and happiness at the choices that he was making. Steven also had a little birthday party with his sweet friends, the Atwood Boys (Nathan, and Parker). For his birthday party they made Steven's cake and stayed up late and watched movies. They loved it.
December 17th is Timothy's Birthday. We wanted Tim to also have an enjoyable day. We tried to make it so that he would remember it as a happy enjoyable day. He got just what he wanted a Bey Blade duo pack and a BeyBlade Stadium. He loves it. For his party he had a few people over for Ice cream and cake. The only ones that could come were the McPhie Children (Susan and AJ). He loved it. I am glad because I was a bit stressed about it all.
The 19th dawned on a Sunday. This Sunday Clint and I celebrated our thirteenth Wedding Anniversary. I am so glad we have made it so far. Clint had duty on the 18th so he came home in the morning with a surprise of pretty roses and a little necklace. He was so sweet. He wanted to make sure that I knew he did not forget about it. He feels like he was making up for last year since he was deployed. Silly man. He made up just because he was there.
Things have been fun. Christmas is bought and wrapped. I can hardly wait to give it all away. Baking is getting done and people are truly calm. I just think this is such a special time of year. We rememember the savior's birth and everyone is just a little kinder and a little sweeter. So that is our December thus far. Stay tuned for after Christmas Adventure.

When You Thought I wasn't Looking

Okay to prefice this post I have to give a little backgrounds about my week. I have been having an inner struggle with myself. I have not felt very Christlike, infact I have felt pretty ungrateful, and selfish. I have been trying to get over these feelings and so that I will then be able to enjoy this Christmas time and the feelings and blessings that come with it. I felt like I was doing much better today, however there have still been some inner panics as i felt my way through the last couple days. I have been so blessed with such a sweet family. I have a great husband and two sweet boys, that constantly help me to grow and learn by their patience and love. So now I am going to share a poem, that even because I am Tim's momma has made me cry. I am so grateful for his sweet little Spirit.

When You Thought I Wasn't Looking
When You thought I wasn't looking, I saw you tell Grandma that I
got a good grade and It made me get more good grades.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed some homeless
people and I thought it was good to be kind to others.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite
breakfast just for me, and I knew little things are special things.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I felt you hug me, and
kiss me good night, and I felt loved.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from
your face and I learned that it's OK to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared, and I
wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked- and wanted to say thanks for all the things i saw when you thought I wasn't looking.

Merry Christmas Mom!
Timothy H

Here is Tim's poem. I think I needed to feel a little child's love today. I needed to have that calm that comes from a sweet little boy. I love my family. I love Timothy and I love Steven.... I hope that I can think of this when i feel like I am failing and having my next inner struggle. For i cannot help but think of my little boys now and Smile because I am their momma and that is enough for now.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

My Ramblings for the Day

Today is Wednesday. Hump Day as it is so eloquently called. It occured to me today as I was reading a beautifully written blog, that sometimes I am an ungrateful soul, imagine that (lol). Well I am going to try to change that up a little bit. I am not going to be that person. I am not going to wander around being whiny or feeling sorry for myself, afterall I am very grateful for my life so I am going to do something a little different today. Today in honor of the month of November, a month where we celebrate our thankfulness I am going to drop the attitude. I am going to raise my head up high and I am going to shine, well at least in my mind.
I am so happy to be me today. I am happy that I get to live in a place where I am safe, and where my children are safe. I am thankful for my husband and my children. I am thankful to have the priviledge of raising such handsome, honest boys. I am thankful for their courage. I am thankful that they face each day with a smile. That they stretch out their arms towards the sun and say,"Come On World, Give it all You got!" That is such an example to me. What an amazing husband I do have. As we get older I truly feel that I married above me. Clint is always trying to take care of others. Even when he is feeling like he is drowning in quicksand, he takes one more step or breathes a little deeper so he can bring his family to a happier place. I know that I am not an easy person to live with sometimes, but not only does he take care of me but he thinks that I am amazing. What more could a woman want.

I am so thankful for my Heavenly Fther. His presence in my life is immeasurable. If I allow myself to feel of the joys that are allotted for me how happy I truly will be. What an amazing gift I have been given. I am so very thankful for my membership that I enjoy in The Church of Jesus Christ of latter Day Saints. No matter where I am I know that my family will be well taken cafe of. It is difficult to be a military family and be away from our extended family all the time, but because I am a member of the church, I have the joys of a ward family, a family that cares where I am Sunday and everyday and misses me when i am away. I am grateful for the calling that I have in the church. being in the Primary helps me to practice patience and to feel of amazing spirits of GOds children. It amazes me to be given such an opportunity to bless their lives as well as them blessing mine.
I am grateful for a mother and a father who taught me right from wrong. I am grateful for their patient example in my life. My mother always knows when to offer advice and when to cry with me and tell me that I am loved. What an inspiring woman she truly is. How I hope to grow up to be just like her. My dad amazes me everyday. he is such a faithful honest man. He inspires me to put my face to the world and always be true to what I know is good and right, and keep moving forward. What an amazing father he is.

I am also so grateful for good friends. Good friends are the ones who always have your backs. Good friends are there in spirit even when they cannot be there in person. No matter what life brings or where life takes you, you can pick up a phone or type a few words and it is like you talked yesterday. Lives will always continue but you will always be an important part of each others lives. I am grateful for friends that can call me or stop by and they just brighten my face and my life. Yesterday one such friend came by. She brought a scrapbook practice over. I was still at a meeting. She went into the house and without being asked she started to fold my laundry. What a sweetheart she really truly is. I am so grateful to has such wonderful gracious people call me friend.

I am so grateful to live in a home that is warm and big and comfy for my family. I enjoy the love that is shared between these walls. It does not matter where my house is, home is where my family is and where true love does reside.
I am also grateful to have good vehicles. I am grateful that we can drive to and from work, church, school, wherever we might need to go in a warm car or truck. What a blessing that is in our home. I can't imagine living here in this place without it.
How truly blessed I am. This list of blessings is obviously not complete, but it is a nice start to keep me grounded and reminded. I can now get on with my day with my head held high and my face to the wind. I love being me.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Cheap Carpet or Good Vaccuum

Have you ever had one of those day when it is time to go to bed and you just feel like you got hit with a MAC truck? You just can't take anymore? Well so you know how I felt this last weekend. So here is how it went. First thing first.
It was time for Tim's parent teacher conference. I get in the van start it up and roll it out of the garage. Screeeech! The brakes seriously sound horrible. I decide as I am going to the meeting that I will not be driving the van until I have time to take it in and get the brakes fixed so for the weekend we are down to the truck. Hallaluhah!
Friday night after taking the boys to rent a video and getting a pizza i decide to do a craft. I really think crafting or painting is my therapy, but that is not the loveliness of this post so we won't go into that. I get this cute terra cotta pot snowman all made up. it is so cute. When I am done it is time to cleanup. I start with the counters and the fronts. I wipe everything down and begin sweeping. I get done cleaning the kitchen and decide to go ahead and vaccuum the rest. I put the vaccuum on bare floor setting and hit the tile. WooHoo that was easy and I was on a roll. I then decide to go ahead and do my stairs. Now I just start. Clint says something to me and I am destracted and where my vaccuum sits and where the wand is sitting out my carpet is literally missing. I now have a hole about three by four inches all the way to the wood. Oh my heck. Now before you say must be crap, I have to say my carpet is brand new put in in May and my vaccuum is only about 3 weeks old. Seriously looking at my floor is making me ill. How can this happen? Is it a good sucking vaccuum or a crappy carpet. My guess is a little of both.
So that is Friday. Saturday we wake up and head out as a family. We go to a Swimming party with our friends. Seriously fun except that this woman that I have never met in my life starts talking about a certain person being offended and all of the fixings that go along with it. Well guess what the story was about me. It was an untrue story, but non-the-less It really hurt my feelings but I kept that one right on in.
So Saturday night we go off to bed. Now Tim has had this cough for about a week and a half and so i decided Sunday morning that maybe there was something to this cough. I try unsuccessfully to get an appointment with the acute care clinic on post. That was a joke. I try to figure out the referral system for the urgent care center. That is like pulling teeth. Finally I decide that the reason we have insurance is to use it and since we are Tricare it is free for us to go to the ER. I take Tim to Samaritan Sunday morning. He is promptly checked out and I am told he has bronchitis, sinusitis and pertussis. The mother of the year award goes to me. I had no idea. In fact I kind of thought he was faking. We now have a stay out of school order til Wednesday and lots of antibiotics and meds.
I just felt drained. I just can't handle many more weekends like that. I think I need to get a new supply of ST John's Wart. Anyhow I am doing better this week but seriously that is enough. On the bright note... I still cannot get over the sucking power of my vaccuum. Wow that thing really sucked!!:)

Friday, November 12, 2010

Pictures of Henry the Dog

Our little Dog Henry

Many of you know that this summer we added a family member to our household. No we did not have another baby, that is literally impossible, but we did add a baby... DOG. In August while Clint was still on his block leave after returning from OIF once again we decided to go to the mall Pet Store. I have always said I ws not a pet person. Clint has always said he is not a pet person, but this little guy just kind of got your attention. Henry is a little morky. What the heck is that? You may ask. Well a morky is cross breed. Henry is a Yorkshire mix/ Maltese mix. The maltese has stronger bones then a yorkshire so they breed them together to make them stronger. Henry is black and has big hazel eyes. We had looked at him the day before we bought him but that is all it was is looking. We came back to again look because we were bored the next day and Clint put this little puppy up over his shoulder and starts walking to the register. When I asked him what he was doing his simple reply was, "I am taking this dog home." Well that was a surprise. I could not even say no, this little dog already had a hold on us.
We have now had Henry for three months. He is just under six months old and at his maximum size. He is black and as I say BEAUTIFUL! We just love him. He is quite the entertainer. He follows you around everywhere including in the bathroom. He also sits right by you. He dances and wrestles and is quite a riot to watch. He is my companion while Clint is at work and Tim's best buddy too. I am so glad we ended up being Dog people after all. I now believe their is a dog for everyone.